Everything I've done, I've done with Him* He's swam with me, gone to little-girl-slumber-parties with me, attended camps with me, taken tests with me, been on dates with me, given presentations with me, led talks and speeches with me, spent time with friends with me, stayed awake with me, coached little swimmers with me, ran with me, worshipped with me, taken road trips with me, missed loved ones with me, welcomed loved ones with me, sat still with me, jumped up and down with me, spent weekends alone with me, written papers with me, graduated with me, danced with me, got married with me, the list goes on!
I don't think there's been much of anything that I've done in this life without Him by my side. Everrrrryyyything I've done, He's done wiiiithh me!
I guess that's part of the reason my life's always appeared to flow with such ease. During times in which people knew I was actually wading through the waters, they'd asked how I'd remained so joyful. The truth? He was wading them with me.
So even during those various times in which I'd spent my nights and afternoons hiding under blankets and staining my pillows with streaks of wet mascara, I'd continued to find my joy in the morning.
Even those heart aching hours were spent with Him. He'd join me in my pain and wrap me in His deep embrace. He was there. Always there.
But afterward, once He knew I was ready, He'd re-reveal His assurance, His grace, His peace, and His hope! He'd give me a reason to keep going > He'd give me a reason to fully embrace another day, and charge through until evening with enthusiasm*
Again, I guess that's part of the reason my life not only appeared to flow with such ease, but actually DID flow with such ease. Those "trying times" were battled and conquered, time and time again. The King was on my side - He wasn't going to allow me suffer for too long! He had a life for me to live - a life of abundance... that's what He kept reminding me*
Yet, once I had gotten through all of what I'd considered "the hard stuff" I wrongfully expected that the next phase of my life was going to be "cake" - My prodigal sister had returned home, I'd married my best friend, and I'd finally graduated from graduate school. Life was ready to just be TOTALLY enjoyed. I was finally a wife and an OT -- THE TWO THINGS I had been LONGING to become. THE two things I *knew* I was MEANT to become. THE two things I believed were going to be EASY to become.
Without any forethought, I just stopped. I stopped inviting Him along. I figured "I've got this" and "He MADE me FOR this" ...and proceeded forwarded with my day-to-day... alone.
I didn't realize I was doing this, of course. Rather... for some reason... I just couldn't get those two things right. Wife and OT - the two things (besides Mom) that I had felt the most confident about for a solid five years - were actually... HARD.
Please don't get me wrong. Jordan. My husband. Is unbelievable. And so much F-U-N! Tangled up with him will always be my favorite place to be.
When I say that being a wife became hard, I mean being a WIFE became hard. For some reason, the stupid, little, "easy," wifely, to-do's loomed over me. I started questioning whether he loved me, even though he continued to demonstrate his love in a million ways. Then when he'd go to work, I'd feel so alone. I started losing who I was because I had subconsciously gotten wrapped up in all things I should be.
Being an OT - I just don't know how to explain it. Throughout all of undergraduate and graduate school, my passion for the profession could've been The Face of the profession. I talked about it, read about it, wrote about it, daydreamed about, and even THOROUGHLY LOVED my hands-on, fieldwork experiences ((so I know that it didn't become hard just because I was all-of-a-sudden DOING it)). It just... was hard. I was anxious, and serious, and tense, and insecure, and lonely.
Then, in one of my therapy sessions >> yes, I've even started going to therapy... and that will be another post << I had the revelation! I had STOPPED inviting Him* to do life with me. To go to work with me, to do the dishes with me, to pack my lunch with me, to get ready in the morning with me, to DO occupational therapy with me, to enjoy the kids with me, to love my husband with me, to spend my nights alone with me, to drink my morning cup of coffee with me, to drive to work with me. I guess I thought I had stopped "needing" Him, so therefore stopped calling upon Him. ((Instead, I'm pretty sure I had started expecting my marriage and career to fulfill expectations that only God Himself could fill... therefore causing hurt and a sense-of-loss in both. I thought my purpose* lied in BEING a wife and an OT. In reality... my purpose* lies within worshipping and living with Him!)).
No exaggeration... as soon as I started inviting God to do life with me, He showed up. Just as He always does.
It's been two weeks >>
* I'm laughing with my students and co-workers - more efficient and seeing progress - enjoying preparing the intervention activities, just as I thought I would - my students randomly started saying things like "Hey, you're awesome," "I love you" and "This is fun!" - And heck, I even got nominated as Staff Member of the Month! * I'm learning to enjoy the time I have to myself when Jordan's working - pretty sure I love him more now than I did on our wedding day - feeling more secure in his love for me - more motivated to do the wifely to-do's - more thoroughly enjoying doing nothing, by his side - and feeling less beat-up by all the "should do's" and "should be's" I had been fighting.
Long story, short: Life's better when it's done t-o-g-e-t-h-e-r * After all, The Creator of life also created me. And He designed ME to be with Him. And He designed Life to be done with Him.
Today's encouragement: Do today with Him* The good AND the bad. The ugly AND the b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l* The painful AND the comfortable. The easy and the h-a-r-d. The routine AND the surprising - The dull AND the FUN!! He's longing to be invited to it ALL :)
