"Sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it"
"He cried out with an exceedingly great & bitter cry... And... lifted up his voice & wept"
{Genesis 4:7-8} / {Genesis 27: 34, 38}
I both love* and HATE the methods God uses to grab hold of my attention.
The methods I hate are the ones that involve trials - pain, hurt, sorrow, fear, of course the list goes on. I know that these methods aren't of God's choosing. Rather, the situations or circumstances that I find myself in - because of my sin, ignorance, lack of awareness, and point-blank inattention - God uses* for the goodness of His plans for me. It's often in the midst of these trials and hurts where He finally "grabs hold of my attention" because I'm finally* looking for Him. It's kind-of like Laura Story's song, "Blessings." Sometimes it's in the darkest of places, when we learn to have courage, we learn to have faith, and we gain wisdom. I don't believe that He causes these dark times to come upon us, but rather, being the insurmountable God that He is, - He works in us during the dark times, for our good. Sometimes these hurts and sorrows and fears turn out to be blessings... because God is just SO big, that He can do that.Those are my least favorite methods. Even though they eventually turn into beautiful* blessings - the kind of blessings that may not otherwise ever be experienced - I HATE the pain and tears that are frequently endured.
The methods that I love* are the ones that involve faint but unavoidable repetitions that He causes me to hear, see, and feel - such as when he uses different, yet unrelated people in my life to make the same unsolicited suggestion. Or when I hear a song on the radio that's so* perfect for that day's struggle and then head into church and the SAME* song is playing >> it's like God's whispering, "Hey Ash, it's me. I wanted you to hear those words on purpose. I'm with you. I know what you're feeling, and I'm here to comfort (or celebrate with!) you." My most, most, most favorite is when my various readings & hearings of scripture - personally during my morning quiet time, publicly at church, and/or socially in conversation with others' - intersect with my personal interactions with God. It's SO fun! And when it happens, it's like God's exclaiming, "Ashlee!!! Listen up! This is something I want you to GET! Dive in. HEAR ME. Take note... WRITE THIS DOWN. Think about it!!!!! C'mon Ash, you can do this!" It's during these times when I feel the most "seen" by God... as I imagine Him orchestrating all of these opportunities to make sure the seed that's been planted actually takes root, and even produces fruit. It's during these times when I KNOW* He has a plan for me that's bigger than what I can see. And it's this type of method that God used most recently to say 1) DON'T LET IT CROUCH and 2) IT'S OKAY TO CRY.
I've recently started over in reading the Bible from the very beginning... the book of Genesis. ((If you follow me on various social media sites, you're probably well aware that this fresh start was initiated by my discovery of bible journaling and purchase of a brand new ESV Journaling Bible)). I had recently read Genesis 4: 7-8 ((mentioned above)) when my counselor ((again, yes I go to therapy... and the explanation on that is for another time ;-) )) - suggested that I spend the next several weeks making a list of all the things that I had LOST* because of two main trials I had experienced during the course of the past 7 years. She then had me list the feelings that I associated with these losses and toward the people that had caused them. And then... she had me list the positive blessings* that had come out of them.
I'm not going to lie... I put off this assignment until the night before my next session with her, as I was absolutely dreading the thought of re-opening wounds that I had finally sealed shut. I didn't want to THINK about them anymore, let alone TALK about them. The key here is that I had closed the wounds... but hadn't experienced any healing of them. Long story short... I was shocked at the types of words I used to describe my feelings. My writing became faster and more aggressive as I thought about each loss and the people who caused them. But then, something interesting happened... as I was writing about the positive blessings* that had resulted from each loss, I literally felt the tension in my shoulders, the weight on my chest, and the pressure in my grip release. I felt lighter... and even caught myself smiling and feeling... grateful! When I explained it to my therapist, I used the phrase "The weirdest thing happened!" She just laughed... and then explained with a nod, "that's exactly what was supposed to happen."
Then she did something during our session - something that was, yet again, extremely uncomfortable at first. She directed me to pray aloud about my losses, my feelings toward the people who caused them, and then... thank God for the blessings that resulted. And so I did. It was uncomfortable for a few reasons - 1. although she'd prayed aloud for me on numerous occasions, I had not yet prayed aloud in front of her, 2. I was nervous about her hearing the types of feelings I had toward the people who'd caused my pain, and 3. it didn't feel "right" to tell God aloud, and in front of others, just how angry and bitter and mad and hurt and disgusted I felt. As I began talking to Him though, the words just began to flow... and I didn't hold back. I had Him hear it all. And I had an angry tone at some points, a confused tone at some points, I cried, I sobbed... and then I had a faithful tone that was paired with a grateful heart. And thennnn... my counselor directed me to do something else... to ask forgiveness. For feeling the way that I did toward the beautiful people He'd created and loved. For holding on to those feelings for so long. For harboring them within, suppressing them, and not letting them out. For allowing myself to be robbed of the blessings He'd had in store for me during all of that time. For allowing myself to be robbed of the opportunity to live in the full abundance He'd had planned for me.
The crazy thing: The anxiety I had been battling for months. The HEAVY thuds and PAIN I had been fighting in my chest each day. It was immediately relieved. I don't know how to explain it - only those of you who have experienced anxiety will likely understand - but, more days than not, that chest pain would creep in during random activities. It was unplanned. I'd try the strategies I'd learned to make it lessen, but it was inevitable... it was something I'd come to live with. I'd stopped even mentioning it to my husband when it'd happen. It was my day-to-day. But - no lie - I've only experienced that chest pain once in the past 3 weeks. ONCE in the past 21 days. And to me - ah, it feels so good. It feels so good to be completely relieved of the baggage I'd been carrying, the feelings I'd been suppressing. ((Please know that I'm fully aware that I have some more work to do... this is a journey* of becoming who God's designed me to be - but this experience of truly crying out to God... it was The Thing I needed to do most)).
Not too long after that experience, I read Genesis 27: 34, 38... and it was as if I heard God's affirmation >> "See Ash, Esau also 'cried out with an exceedingly great and bitter cry... And... lifted up his voice and wept.' It's normal to feel such intense emotions when you become aware of the blessings and opportunities that are stolen or lost. LET THEM OUT! Before you miss out."
Thennn... a couple of days after reading that scripture, I heard a sermon in church that talked about Cain and Abel and the importance of not allowing sin to crouch on your heart, as Cain did... and as I did. No matter what that sin is - anxiety, bitterness, addiction, anger, pride, deceit, fear, (you know* what you're struggling with) - "Don't let it crouch," the pastor said. "Run to Jesus."
Today's Encouragement: No matter what it is... I'm encouraging you from experience >> Don't harbor it any longer. Don't let it crouch. RULE over it by letting down your pride and crying out* to God - as Jacob did... and as I finally* did. Run to Him... not from him. We have a great and mighty God. He can handle your rage. And He can also help you rule* - you've just got to ask Him to join your team.
