the face, heart, and hands behind the letters* (Part One)

God's Vision for My Life*

~ to encourage, motivate, and uplift others

with my words, work, and smile 

Well here it is, the promised introduction! 

WHY?! 

>> Because, I believe, in order for any business to grow and thrive >> its customers, clients, and biggest fans must understand its story and know - trust - and stand behind its owner. And hey! That's me!

Please know that I am not telling my story for either "applause" or a "woe is me" response to any of its bits and pieces, but rather hoping that my story can encourage you to 1) dig deep during your* times of despair to truly DISCOVER the gifts that they may be leading you toward and 2) take time to invest in realizing the unique, energizing, and empowering vision that God has for your* life! 

So here we go... let's start with the instagram/facebook post that sparked the desire to tell you more. It had said the following: 

"There is no higher calling you can have than to receive and TIRELESSLY PURSUE God's unique* vision for YOU" >> WOWZERS. Now THAT* was a powerful half hour [The Power of a Half Hour by Tommy Barnett].  Okay, I don't know where to begin but basically God's been aligning the dominos to get me to this point - this point of CLEARLY SEEING His vision for my life. And not just seeing it -- He's shown me glimpses of it before -- but SEEING IT!!! >> with Power, AND Clarity, AND Courage!!! It's too long of a Great & Exciting story to share in an IG/FB post - but... There are so many of you who have recently started following me that don't quite know me, so I'd say it's time for an introduction. An introduction to the face, heart, and hands behind the letters! Stay posted --- It'll be posted THIS WEEKEND! Right now it's time to get working on your orders!"

And here we are! So let's start with the alignment of dominos. I wish I could give the credit to Tommy Barnett - as it was while I was reading his book, The Power of a Half Hour, when it clicked and triggered this POWER-filled moment of revelation. I wish I could give the credit to Stephanie Ackerman & Shanna Noel - as one of the reasons the revelation occurred when it did is because of Tommy's words being paired with the Truths* I've been storing up in my heart during the study of these ladies' devotional: Bloom (you can find it at www.illustratedfaith.com). I wish I could give the credit to Carol McClure - as it was her counseling that led me out of the darkness & paralysis of anxiety and into The Light* of grabbing hold of my identity in Christ, and step-by-step, re-entering the peace & energy of doing life with God ((which in turn moved me toward Bible Journaling, the Bloom devotional, and Tommy's book)). I wish I could stop and give the credit to these and say --IT WAS HERE. IT WAS THEM. MY LIFE CHANGED THEN. But the truth is... God is so much more intricate and powerful than what that would entail. 

YES, He does change lives & reveal plans in mere, flashing moments. And YES, He does change lives & reveal plans through passing encounters with others. But - He's also* capable of intimately designing each experience of your life in such a way that leads you to His revealing of His Will... step-by-step, at the pace in which He knows you* can handle, and through the means that He knows you* will best see, hear, feel, and follow. That's how He decided to reveal His vision for me, to me. And, gosh. I'm blown away by the beauty of all of the unfolding and layering that my story beholds. 

I'll try to stay as linear as possible, in case you decide to use my story as a way to try to understand your own. But EEK - I can't promise it'll be as clear as I hope! Because again, so much unfolding. layering. reversing. re-doing. It's been a journey. A journey that I'm so beyond-blessed and enthused* and humbled to claim as my own. 

Tommy Barnett suggested reflecting on possible indications of God's vision, that likely appeared at a young age. So here's where the reflecting began...

( PART ONE )

My Most Favorite* ways of spending my time always involved 1) pencils, pens, my Bible, and Crayola products; 2) motivational speaking; and 3) encouraging others across settings and of all ages. 

Pencils, Pens, Bible, & Crayola - 

          >> Growing up, I literally spent every summer >> 1st grade through.... high school! << exchanging color-coded, quote-covered journals with my backdoor best friend, Jenny. We sometimes exchanged them multiple times within a single day, and spent MANY* days sitting side-by-side as we wrote to each other, decoratively. We still have those notes and journals - I really think, every single one. And reading them tells the story of our friendship - the highs & lows, the constancy, the ongoing encouragement, and the unconditional acceptance of one another. My favorite, favorite parts of these letters are 1) the obbbbbvious external prettiness of them! and 2) the real* beauty that's found in the words of affirmation that we exchanged. The BEST* of those summer days were Wednesdays >> Swim Meet Days. And that's because, on Wednesday afternoons, we never had any plans. We had to "rest" for the meet that evening - so we made the most of those hours: writing, doodling, and looking up encouraging quotes to share with each other :)

          >> I was a weirdo. WAIT a minute. Back track... I still AM a weirdo ;-) But really... what KID went away to camp-after-camp-after-camp and CLAIMS with sincerity >> then, and still now << that THE BEST* part is the D-A-I-L-Y QUIET TIME. The time when NOBODY is allowed to talk, or even whisper. And the lights have to be dimmed. And counselors are napping. And most kids are tossing and turning and churning and anxiously waiting for the mere 30 minutes to end. Ahhhh (sight) -  I . WENT . TO . CAMP . for THOSE . daily* . 30 MINUTES . I absolutely, thoroughly embraced every single minute of them. During that time I'd read, underline, & highlight my Bible ((that I had, of-course, packed with a bag of writing utensils)), journal, and write notes to friends and family. It was, LITERALLY, the best. 

          >> Those daily quiet-time minutes at camp, transitioned into being my favorite* time at home. (Most) every night, I'd get ready for bed only to spend the next 20-30 minutes in devotional books, prayer journals, and my Bible. There were MANY* nights, I remember, when my mom would come in and say "Ash! I love that you love your quiet time, but you have GOT* to get to bed!" I think those were the only real* times I argued or disagreed with my mom! Over QUIET TIME! 

          >> Another favorite past-time, similar to days at camp, were days on vacation. Every spring break, and most summers, we went to Hilton Head. We'd spend all morning at the beach, eat lunch at the condo, and every evening we'd go to dinner, putt-putt, shop, and what-have you! But there, in-between lunch and dinner, we always had some downtime. Usually, Mom would stay out a little later at the beach ((as kids, we were tired out and done with the salt & sand!)); Dad would maybe be vegging on the couch, sitting on the porch & staring at the golf course, listening to Phil Vassar on LOUD & repeat, or golfing; and my sister always soaked in some good, looooong, screen-time; while I.......... Did you guess it?! Yep... wrote to friends & family, journaled, prayed, and read my Bible. That was me. That was what I loved*

          >> As you can imagine, I carried this with me to college. I was always up early, before my roommates and LONG* before class, to get in some quality quiet time with My God and my coffee :) And I even sustained a weekly goal, during my sophomore and junior years, of writing at least one letter a week. // Ahh, I need to get back to that! I guess, now, the IG community would call it "#happymail" that I engaged in so regularly ;-) 

          Anyway, you could say that maybe I loved* my "quiet-time" so much because my mom led a pretty FUN-PACKED* life for my family. Our days were pretty non-stop, and loud! But I believe that God had a much deeper purpose in those focused moments. He gave me a desire to engage in this regular quiet time...because of the purpose He had for me. 

Motivational Speaking -

          >> Another theme that initiated in my childhood was my love of motivational speaking. I was provided my first opportunity in 5th grade, when asked by the pastor of my family's (large) church at the time (Reynoldsburg United Methodist Church) to share my testimony with the congregation. While many fifth graders would've become intimidated - I'm sure I had the normal stomach jitters myself - I remember feeling, overall, good. And not just good - but like... energized and excited and... fulfilled? Like some hole in my identity was just starting to fill. 

          >> Following that initial opportunity, I have received several more requests/opportunities to speak publicly. My 7th grade class nominated me as one of the students to speak at our school's traditional Heroes Ceremony; during my freshman year of college, my CRU leader asked me to speak at the yearly Women's Retreat; upon completing my undergraduate degree, I applied and was appointed to speak in front of thousands at my graduation ceremony; after hearing that there was little desire among my peers, I volunteered and spoke at the familial ceremony that honored our earning of Masters degrees; and then a best friend requested that I pray aloud for her wedding and marriage on the night of her rehearsal dinner. 

          The thing is, public speaking is like THE #1 MOST DREADED FEAR among most people - but I... absolutely LOVE* it. I'm energized by it. I get excited for it. I was made to do it! (Now, don't ask me to speak impromptu... that's definitely not my forte - but I LOVE* the process of purposefully preparing and delivering a message that will hopefully move* and inspire* and encourage* the hearers). 

Encouraging: Across settings, Of all ages - 

          >> The last - but not least! - constant theme in my life, that again started at an early age, has been my natural ability and desire to encourage people. I remember - the one other instance that triggered "arguments" with my mom! - I'd stay up late talking to friends on AOL's instant messaging (- the pre-FB/IG "social media," so-to-speak). But again, I'd always "win" the "argument" because she'd come in, see who I was talking to, and read what we were talking about and respond with "Okay, well... finish up soon." And the reason for it was because I was rarely chatting about day-to-day, teenage-life nonsense. Honestly! I was usually* encouraging a friend to make better choices, or break up with a boyfriend, or hang in there because their identity wasn't determined by a girl's approval, or even praying with friend about the direction of their future, and leading a few of them to Christ. PUH-LEASE do not hoot and holler here - or I know some of you are rolling your eyes and saying "Yeah, yeah whatever." My point is merely this. I encouraged people, from the beginning. 

          >> In addition to the informal "AOL IM-ing" (haha!), my youth group leader asked me to lead a weekly, morning Bible study at my school in 8th grade - and then my pastor asked me to lead a girls' small group in high school. Again... I loved* these things. Preparing "lessons" from The Word, vulnerably sharing my heart, and encouraging the hearts of my peers. 

          >> In a different scene, but using the same God-given skills and abilities, I taught swim lessons to people of all ages - from toddler to even adults! One of the greatest affirmations I've ever felt was when - as a high schooler - I transitioned an adult who was AFRAID of the water, into a SWIMMER! And some of my most fond memories come from coaching the summer league swim team that I had grown up on - year, after year - summer, after summer - during my summer breaks from high school and college. I thrived on encouraging children from 5 to 18 years of age to LOVE* the water, their teammates, and personal progress. 

          >> In college, I fell into several leadership opportunities. I was an RA (resident assistant), tutored peers with disabilities, became the coordinator of my university's Office for Students with Disabilities, and was nominated president of a large on-campus organization called Student Alumni Ambassadors. Again - Please know that I do not* share these things with any ounce of haughtiness or pride, but rather... to illustrate that I'm constantly finding myself in positions that require - and nurture - my God-given gift of encouragement. It's me. It's what I was made to do. 

In summary - - - > Discovering these themes of my life, that began in childhood, helped me to see CLEARLY that I was made to Write & Speak & BE* Encouragement. 

    

And now, the harder part. 

( PART TWO )

Just as there have been positive, fun, exciting themes - - - the tests & struggles and dark & deep times have contributed just as much to who God made me to be, and the decision to create ColorfullyEnthused* But ya know what? I think that's probably enough reading for you in one sitting. So let's take a break. And we'll get to the tough stuff next time. But hang around! Because it IS* coming... and it IS* just as important - if not more* - than Part One. The tests and struggles are what's sparked change and transition and growth and blooming. And I think that may be one of the most beautiful parts of each of our stories - the way that God can take the worst, the ugly, and the painful... and use it to set us free. 

Anyway... to be continued*

Today's Encouragement: Pause. Stop and reflect on your life. Think about your favorite* memories. What are the themes among them - what things do they have in common? What types of activities, interactions, and opportunities sparked your heart and ignited you to be the most complete YOU? What have you enjoyed doing, from the beginning? Reflecting on these is the start* of discovering God's vision for your life! It's the start* of living "colorfully enthused" days and embarking on a journey that was designed and prepared, specifically with YOU* in mind :)

don't let it crouch*

"Sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it"

"He cried out with an exceedingly great & bitter cry... And... lifted up his voice & wept" 

{Genesis 4:7-8} / {Genesis 27: 34, 38}

I both love* and HATE the methods God uses to grab hold of my attention.

The methods I hate are the ones that involve trials - pain, hurt, sorrow, fear, of course the list goes on. I know that these methods aren't of God's choosing. Rather, the situations or circumstances that I find myself in - because of my sin, ignorance, lack of awareness, and point-blank inattention - God uses* for the goodness of His plans for me. It's often in the midst of these trials and hurts where He finally "grabs hold of my attention" because I'm finally* looking for Him. It's kind-of like Laura Story's song, "Blessings." Sometimes it's in the darkest of places, when we learn to have courage, we learn to have faith, and we gain wisdom. I don't believe that He causes these dark times to come upon us, but rather, being the insurmountable God that He is, - He works in us during the dark times, for our good. Sometimes these hurts and sorrows and fears turn out to be blessings... because God is just SO big, that He can do that.

Those are my least favorite methods. Even though they eventually turn into beautiful* blessings - the kind of blessings that may not otherwise ever be experienced - I HATE the pain and tears that are frequently endured.

The methods that I love* are the ones that involve faint but unavoidable repetitions that He causes me to hear, see, and feel - such as when he uses different, yet unrelated people in my life to make the same unsolicited suggestion. Or when I hear a song on the radio that's so* perfect for that day's struggle and then head into church and the SAME* song is playing >> it's like God's whispering, "Hey Ash, it's me. I wanted you to hear those words on purpose. I'm with you. I know what you're feeling, and I'm here to comfort (or celebrate with!) you." My most, most, most favorite is when my various readings & hearings of scripture - personally during my morning quiet time, publicly at church, and/or socially in conversation with others' - intersect with my personal interactions with God. It's SO fun! And when it happens, it's like God's exclaiming, "Ashlee!!! Listen up! This is something I want you to GET! Dive in. HEAR ME. Take note... WRITE THIS DOWN. Think about it!!!!! C'mon Ash, you can do this!" It's during these times when I feel the most "seen" by God... as I imagine Him orchestrating all of these opportunities to make sure the seed that's been planted actually takes root, and even produces fruit. It's during these times when I KNOW* He has a plan for me that's bigger than what I can see. And it's this type of method that God used most recently to say 1) DON'T LET IT CROUCH and 2) IT'S OKAY TO CRY.

I've recently started over in reading the Bible from the very beginning... the book of Genesis. ((If you follow me on various social media sites, you're probably well aware that this fresh start was initiated by my discovery of bible journaling and purchase of a brand new ESV Journaling Bible)). I had recently read Genesis 4: 7-8 ((mentioned above)) when my counselor ((again, yes I go to therapy... and the explanation on that is for another time ;-) )) - suggested that I spend the next several weeks making a list of all the things that I had LOST* because of two main trials I had experienced during the course of the past 7 years. She then had me list the feelings that I associated with these losses and toward the people that had caused them. And then... she had me list the positive blessings* that had come out of them.

I'm not going to lie... I put off this assignment until the night before my next session with her, as I was absolutely dreading the thought of re-opening wounds that I had finally sealed shut. I didn't want to THINK about them anymore, let alone TALK about them. The key here is that I had closed the wounds... but hadn't experienced any healing of them. Long story short... I was shocked at the types of words I used to describe my feelings. My writing became faster and more aggressive as I thought about each loss and the people who caused them. But then, something interesting happened... as I was writing about the positive blessings* that had resulted from each loss, I literally felt the tension in my shoulders, the weight on my chest, and the pressure in my grip release. I felt lighter... and even caught myself smiling and feeling... grateful! When I explained it to my therapist, I used the phrase "The weirdest thing happened!" She just laughed... and then explained with a nod, "that's exactly what was supposed to happen."

Then she did something during our session - something that was, yet again, extremely uncomfortable at first. She directed me to pray aloud about my losses, my feelings toward the people who caused them, and then... thank God for the blessings that resulted. And so I did. It was uncomfortable for a few reasons - 1. although she'd prayed aloud for me on numerous occasions, I had not yet prayed aloud in front of her, 2. I was nervous about her hearing the types of feelings I had toward the people who'd caused my pain, and 3. it didn't feel "right" to tell God aloud, and in front of others, just how angry and bitter and mad and hurt and disgusted I felt. As I began talking to Him though, the words just began to flow... and I didn't hold back. I had Him hear it all. And I had an angry tone at some points, a confused tone at some points, I cried, I sobbed... and then I had a faithful tone that was paired with a grateful heart. And thennnn... my counselor directed me to do something else... to ask forgiveness. For feeling the way that I did toward the beautiful people He'd created and loved. For holding on to those feelings for so long. For harboring them within, suppressing them, and not letting them out. For allowing myself to be robbed of the blessings He'd had in store for me during all of that time. For allowing myself to be robbed of the opportunity to live in the full abundance He'd had planned for me.

The crazy thing: The anxiety I had been battling for months. The HEAVY thuds and PAIN I had been fighting in my chest each day. It was immediately relieved. I don't know how to explain it - only those of you who have experienced anxiety will likely understand - but, more days than not, that chest pain would creep in during random activities. It was unplanned. I'd try the strategies I'd learned to make it lessen, but it was inevitable... it was something I'd come to live with. I'd stopped even mentioning it to my husband when it'd happen. It was my day-to-day. But - no lie - I've only experienced that chest pain once in the past 3 weeks. ONCE in the past 21 days. And to me - ah, it feels so good. It feels so good to be completely relieved of the baggage I'd been carrying, the feelings I'd been suppressing. ((Please know that I'm fully aware that I have some more work to do... this is a journey* of becoming who God's designed me to be - but this experience of truly crying out to God... it was The Thing I needed to do most)).

Not too long after that experience, I read Genesis 27: 34, 38... and it was as if I heard God's affirmation >> "See Ash, Esau also 'cried out with an exceedingly great and bitter cry... And... lifted up his voice and wept.' It's normal to feel such intense emotions when you become aware of the blessings and opportunities that are stolen or lost. LET THEM OUT! Before you miss out."

Thennn... a couple of days after reading that scripture, I heard a sermon in church that talked about Cain and Abel and the importance of not allowing sin to crouch on your heart, as Cain did... and as I did. No matter what that sin is - anxiety, bitterness, addiction, anger, pride, deceit, fear, (you know* what you're struggling with) -  "Don't let it crouch," the pastor said. "Run to Jesus."

Today's Encouragement: No matter what it is... I'm encouraging you from experience >> Don't harbor it any longer. Don't let it crouch. RULE over it by letting down your pride and crying out* to God - as Jacob did... and as I finally* did. Run to Him... not from him. We have a great and mighty God. He can handle your rage. And He can also help you rule* - you've just got to ask Him to join your team.

life is better together*

"Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone. 

I will make him a helper fit for him.'"

{ genesis 2:18 }

Upon reflecting on this decision of God's, I became so thankful 1) that He meant for us to live this life t-o-g-e-t-h-e-r, not alone and 2) that He created Jordan... a helper, made perfectly fit* for me.

Thinking even deeper into this verse, I soon became a basketcase of tears... as I found myself completely enveloped in a full-blown panic attack, drowning in memories of the hard times of my oh-so-short life, and becoming fearful of those that may lie ahead. You see... I struggle with anxiety, and bouts of depression. It's not an every-second-of-every-day thing, it comes and goes - but when it comes, it's scary and dark and lonely... My #1 Helper wasn't home and was unreachable at the time... but I knew I needed someone, right then. So I worked up the courage to call upon a friend. I didn't want her to know, didn't want to burden her with "my problems"- but also knew I needed to. And you know what? She provided me with *The Best* encouragement I could've received in that moment. With her words, I was able to make my way through the clouds, dry my tears, take a deep breath, and was even able to see a glimpse of hope.

Something else that I found interesting - once I was able to gather myself and refocus, of course! - was that she started her response to my cry with "Ashlee, I'm so sorry. I had no idea!" >> Please know - if you're one who's in a hard spot right now... or when you find yourself in one in the future - our helpers* often don't know how badly we need them, until we work up the courage to tell them. Sometimes our helpers do know that we're in need - but they don't know when, how, or how much to provide... they're waiting for us to ask. 

God gave us helpers* - He meant for life to be lived together.

I start each morning thanking Him for my husband, and the specific qualities with which He polished him with me in mind ;-) I know, without a doubt, that God made him perfectly fit* for me. In addition, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for the MANY helpers* with whom our gracious God has blessed me > > with whom to not only conquer the darkness, but to also celebrate the light!

Today's encouragement: Thank God for your MANY helpers* - and then take the time to thank them too! And if you know someone who's in need... remind them that you want them to call upon you... Afterall, life is [SO] much better together :)

an attitude of gratitude*

In the beginning, God created… WORK! {genesis 2:15}
Which, in turn, provided Adam with purpose*

God decided it'd be GOOD for man to have something to keep his hands occupied and his mind challenged >> Yet, how many of us (myself included!) find ourselves complaining about work, stressing about work, or as victims of the "Sunday Night Blues?"

Even those of us who truly claim to enjoy most aspects of our job - even those of us who feel that we were MADE for the profession of which we're in - often get caught up in >> finding << something* to complain about! Why do we do this?!

Have you ever thought about how The Lord God "took the man" and "put him" (in the garden of Eden) to WORK "it" and KEEP "it?" Whether you love your job or not, perhaps God has taken YOU and put YOU to work "it" and keep "it" >> Whatever the "it," may be in your life, I challenge you to join me in approaching "it" and talking about "it" and thinking about "it" with an attitude of gratitude!

God gave us something to do, something to challenge us, something to help us feel and experience purpose* …because He believed it to be GOOD. Shouldn't we agree with The One who created and knows our every need? Shouldn't we trust that He's "taken" and "put" us right where He wants us to be?

Kind of funny, this verse is very well aligned with aim of occupational therapy [my profession], as one of its core foundations is the belief that to be healthy, man must do* So as a profession we would with patients, clients, and students to facilitate their building of skills to DO LiFE >> whether those skills are needed to boost their participation and performance within productive, restorative, or pleasurable occupations. See… I, of all people, should understand and believe in and be grateful* for the ~*blessing*~ of WORK. Not only did God create it, but my profession exists because of it!

I'm not sure why I join the chorus in allowing myself to be stressed by work and finding reasons to grumble and roll my eyes. I'm not sure if it's something within my human nature, if it's a subconscious desire to be in agreement with those around me, if it's because I'm a perfectionist and afraid of failure and stress myself out over wanting to be the best* at my job, if it's because of a painful cry of my heart to help my kiddos beyond my capacity, if it's because my husband's at home and I want to get home to him, if it's because I'm still new and feel overwhelmed with the amount I want to learn, if it's because I need to reconsider my evening and morning routines, …or perhaps it's a mix of it all!

I DO know that my day-to-day life at work has improved tremendously, ever since I started inviting God to join me and allowing Him to do OT with and through me… but perhaps something even simpler would jumpstart my day from the very beginning - - -

…Thanking Him, at the very sound of my alarm, for another day to work! Even better - - - going to bed on Sunday nights with a prayer of thanksgiving for the week that lies ahead ;-)

Long story, short: God created work… because He believed it to be GOOD.

Today's encouragement: Join me in approaching your work day >> your alarm clock, your morning routine, your commute, your co-workers, boss, customers / clients / patients / students, your to-do list, your JOB << with an attitude of gratitude*

doing life together*

Everything I've done, I've done with Him* He's swam with me, gone to little-girl-slumber-parties with me, attended camps with me, taken tests with me, been on dates with me, given presentations with me, led talks and speeches with me, spent time with friends with me, stayed awake with me, coached little swimmers with me, ran with me, worshipped with me, taken road trips with me, missed loved ones with me, welcomed loved ones with me, sat still with me, jumped up and down with me, spent weekends alone with me, written papers with me, graduated with me, danced with me, got married with me, the list goes on!

I don't think there's been much of anything that I've done in this life without Him by my side. Everrrrryyyything I've done, He's done wiiiithh me!

I guess that's part of the reason my life's always appeared to flow with such ease. During times in which people knew I was actually wading through the waters, they'd asked how I'd remained so joyful. The truth? He was wading them with me.

So even during those various times in which I'd spent my nights and afternoons hiding under blankets and staining my pillows with streaks of wet mascara, I'd continued to find my joy in the morning.

Even those heart aching hours were spent with Him. He'd join me in my pain and wrap me in His deep embrace. He was there. Always there.

But afterward, once He knew I was ready, He'd re-reveal His assurance, His grace, His peace, and His hope! He'd give me a reason to keep going > He'd give me a reason to fully embrace another day, and charge through until evening with enthusiasm*

Again, I guess that's part of the reason my life not only appeared to flow with such ease, but actually DID flow with such ease. Those "trying times" were battled and conquered, time and time again. The King was on my side - He wasn't going to allow me suffer for too long! He had a life for me to live - a life of abundance... that's what He kept reminding me*

Yet, once I had gotten through all of what I'd considered "the hard stuff" I wrongfully expected that the next phase of my life was going to be "cake" - My prodigal sister had returned home, I'd married my best friend, and I'd finally graduated from graduate school. Life was ready to just be TOTALLY enjoyed. I was finally a wife and an OT -- THE TWO THINGS I had been LONGING to become. THE two things I *knew* I was MEANT to become. THE two things I believed were going to be EASY to become.

Without any forethought, I just stopped. I stopped inviting Him along. I figured "I've got this" and "He MADE me FOR this" ...and proceeded forwarded with my day-to-day... alone.

I didn't realize I was doing this, of course. Rather... for some reason... I just couldn't get those two things right. Wife and OT - the two things (besides Mom) that I had felt the most confident about for a solid five years - were actually... HARD.

Please don't get me wrong. Jordan. My husband. Is unbelievable. And so much F-U-N! Tangled up with him will always be my favorite place to be.

When I say that being a wife became hard, I mean being a WIFE became hard. For some reason, the stupid, little, "easy," wifely, to-do's loomed over me. I started questioning whether he loved me, even though he continued to demonstrate his love in a million ways. Then when he'd go to work, I'd feel so alone. I started losing who I was because I had subconsciously gotten wrapped up in all things I should be.

Being an OT - I just don't know how to explain it. Throughout all of undergraduate and graduate school, my passion for the profession could've been The Face of the profession. I talked about it, read about it, wrote about it, daydreamed about, and even THOROUGHLY LOVED my hands-on, fieldwork experiences ((so I know that it didn't become hard just because I was all-of-a-sudden DOING it)). It just... was hard. I was anxious, and serious, and tense, and insecure, and lonely.

Then, in one of my therapy sessions >> yes, I've even started going to therapy... and that will be another post << I had the revelation! I had STOPPED inviting Him* to do life with me. To go to work with me, to do the dishes with me, to pack my lunch with me, to get ready in the morning with me, to DO occupational therapy with me, to enjoy the kids with me, to love my husband with me, to spend my nights alone with me, to drink my morning cup of coffee with me, to drive to work with me. I guess I thought I had stopped "needing" Him, so therefore stopped calling upon Him. ((Instead, I'm pretty sure I had started expecting my marriage and career to fulfill expectations that only God Himself could fill... therefore causing hurt and a sense-of-loss in both. I thought my purpose* lied in BEING a wife and an OT. In reality... my purpose* lies within worshipping and living with Him!)).

No exaggeration...  as soon as I started inviting God to do life with me, He showed up. Just as He always does.

It's been two weeks >>
* I'm laughing with my students and co-workers - more efficient and seeing progress - enjoying preparing the intervention activities, just as I thought I would - my students randomly started saying things like "Hey, you're awesome," "I love you" and "This is fun!" - And heck, I even got nominated as Staff Member of the Month! * I'm learning to enjoy the time I have to myself when Jordan's working -  pretty sure I love him more now than I did on our wedding day -  feeling more secure in his love for me - more motivated to do the wifely to-do's - more thoroughly enjoying doing nothing, by his side - and feeling less beat-up by all the "should do's" and "should be's" I had been fighting.

Long story, short: Life's better when it's done t-o-g-e-t-h-e-r * After all, The Creator of life also created me. And He designed ME to be with Him. And He designed Life to be done with Him.

Today's encouragement: Do today with Him* The good AND the bad. The ugly AND the b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l* The painful AND the comfortable. The easy and the h-a-r-d. The routine AND the surprising - The dull AND the FUN!! He's longing to be invited to it ALL :)